Do you know what I wish we had in the United States?
No, not universal healthcare. (But, that too.)
I wish we had an official institute that set the standards for the English language.
France has its L'Académie Française, which was established by Cardinal Richelieu in 1635. You may remember him as the bad guy from The Three Musketeers movies. He overtaxed the commoners, maintained a network of spies, and weakened the French nobility. And he kept the French language free from foreign-language infection.
The L'Académie Française prohibits English words like "email" and "skyscraper" and demands that people use "courriel" and "gratte-ciel" instead. Which makes them sound all snooty and uptight.
Germany has the Rat für Deutsche Rechtschreibung (RdR), which means "Council for German Orthography" or "Council for German Spelling." They recently established new rules for the use of gender-inclusive language and the use of the ss and ß (eszett) characters.
The Accademia della Crusca preserves the Italian language, the Russian Academy of Sciences has a linguistics section, the Academy of the Arabic Language standardizes Arabic, and the National Language Committee of China creates national policy for Mandarin Chinese.
But what do we have for English?
Not a damn thing. Since 80% of English is borrowed from other languages, there's no standard for the language and how it develops, so it would be nearly impossible to create one.
Oh, sure, we have the Associated Press Stylebook (used by journalists), the Chicago Manual of Style (used by book publishers), and the Modern Language Association (which I hate). And we have out-of-touch English teachers who spout centuries-old rules that never should have been created in the first place.
(Looking at you, no-split-infinitives.)
Since no one sets the official rules for English, it just changes and evolves willy-nilly, which irritates language purists to no end.
Basically, language changes as the common usage of a term changes over time. The new definition replaces the old one when all the language sticklers aren't there to complain about it anymore because they all died out.
Usually, from a stroke caused by screaming at Gen Zers, "NO, THAT MEANS YOU COULD ACTUALLY EAT AN ENTIRE HORSE. YOU MEAN FIGURATIVELY!"
Still, some institutions like the Associated Press hold a lot of sway, and people get angry when they change their rules.
Back in 2012, an entire generation of English dinosaurs lost their ever-loving minds when the AP said they no longer prohibited starting a sentence with "Hopefully." You'd have thought they wanted to replace the eagle as our national symbol with a Whoopee Cushion.
But the rule didn't apply to everyone, only to journalists who worked for the Associated Press. Still, people got really salty and complained about it for weeks on social media.
I mention this because the German RdR recently caused a kerfuffle over a single apostrophe.
Earlier this month, the RdR relaxed one of Germany's most cherished rules and said that beginning in 2025, it will be perfectly acceptable to use apostrophes to show possession. Meanwhile, the naysayers — die Neinsageren — are counting down the days to total societal meltdown.
The German language never used an apostrophe to show possession. They would just say "Karls book" or "Inges car," and everyone understood what you meant. Mostly.
Except now, the RdR has said it's totally acceptable to write "Karl's book" or "Inge's car."
This also helps avoid problems when your name is Marco. Previously, you'd write "Marcos coffee," but then confusion would arise about whether your name was Marco or Marcos.
And if your name was Marcos, did you have to write "Marcoss coffee?" And what if your name was Marcoss? Would you write Marcosss? How far are you prepared to take this, Germany?
The sticklers believe it's unnecessary, careless, and even incorrect to use an apostrophe. They say it's a sign of declining language standards and that people are getting dumber (dümmer) for using it. So they call the tiny mark the "Deppenapostroph," which means "idiot's apostrophe."
Which I take offense to. English is a Germanic language, so this is your fault, to begin with!
Besides, we've been using apostrophes since the 16th century. We've had it for more than 500 years ago, and no one died from it. The plague, yes. Apostrophes, no.
Other, more enlightened people believe that language is fluid and ever-changing, and that people should focus more on creating new art and ideas, fostering peace, and making the Earth a better place to live. So suck it, sticklers!
It's very simple: Never, ever use 's to make a singular word plural. It's not bean's, sofa's, or DVD's. Ever.
But this seems to be a losing battle because I see more examples of this everywhere. It makes me want to scream and throw rocks at the offending displays.
Maybe Cardinal Richelieu was onto something.
Photo credit: Neon Apostrophe - Tom Magliery (Flickr, Creative Commons 2.0)
Greengrocer's Apostrophe - Sceptre (Wikimedia Commons, Creative Commons 3.0)
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.