Can you name the seven dirty words you're not supposed to say on television? If you're cool, you can. If you're cool, you know George Carlin's famous bit from his 1977 album, Class Clown, by heart. And you can name them in order. They are:
1. ****
2. ****
3. ****
4. ****
5. **********
6. ************ and
7. ****
I can't actually write the words because this is a family newspaper in a conservative part of a conservative state, which means most of you don't even know these words, right?
And you certainly didn't shout, "**** doesn't even belong on the list, ya know?" as Uncle George famously said 47 years ago.
(If you want to hear the original comedy bit — for the first time, I'm sure — and learn what the seven naughty words are, I've got a link to the YouTube video on my blog at ErikDeckers.com).
These days, we can say a few of these words on television as long as it's after 10 p.m. and before 6:00 a.m.
That makes me wonder, are people still offended by swear words? We all know what they are. Even if you've never heard Carlin's bit, you've heard them before. No doubt from people who drink on Sundays and wear their boots in the house.
But to keep my editor from firing me, I need to avoid using them here.
The first of the sinful seven rhymes with "spit." And I'm sure you know exactly what it is, but I'll keep using "spit" to be safe.
And I'm guessing you didn't lose your, uh, spit when you read that last paragraph. If it did upset you, please forward all complaints to the sports editor of this paper.
What's the correct way of telling you the real word? Should I replace it with a similar word, like "spit?"
Or should I replace a letter with an asterisk, like "sp*t?" Is that enough to hide it from people who might get upset?
"Holy monkey! I'm outraged and—wait, never mind."
"What's going on?"
"I thought they published the word 'spit,' but it's spelled 'sp*t,' and now I don't know what they meant."
I could just spell it "s---," or I could do what I did when I was ten and call it "the S-word."
I mention this because last week, Australia's Macquarie Dictionary named "enspittification" as their word of the year.
Remember, it's not actually "enspittification," it's the word that rhymes with enspittification.
But newspapers have been printing the correct word. A few used the strategic asterisk so as not to offend people, but most barreled ahead and burned all sense of propriety to the ground.
It's a noun that means "the gradual deterioration of a service or product brought about by a reduction in the quality of service provided, especially of an online platform, and as a consequence of profit-seeking."
It was first coined in November 2022 by Canadian journalist and novelist Cory Doctorow in a blog post about how social media platforms die. He said, ". . .first, they are good to their users; then they abuse their users to make things better for their business customers; finally, they abuse those business customers to claw back all the value for themselves. Then, they die."
He was talking about Facebook and Twitter specifically. It was a little dire at the time, but as 2024 draws to a close, he was clearly right.
Twitter (I won't call it by its new name) is a shell of its former self, a smoking carcass of what was once a global social network that let us communicate with the world. Now, it's a cesspool of racism, sexism, and Russian bots.
Meanwhile, Facebook is trying to squeeze as much of your personal data out of you as it can sell, not caring or apologizing for what they have done to society or democracy.
Enspittification isn't only happening to social media. Too many businesses have been enspittifying for the last several years: Walmart, Comcast, Google, Amazon, Airbnb, Netflix, and Uber, to name just a few.
Most of these companies started out with the best of intentions, except for one or two (looking at YOU, Walmart). As they got bigger and richer, they plotted and schemed to provide the least amount of service while shoving their grubby paws deeper into our pockets, and now they're going out of their way to actively hurt their customers.
Like the insurance industry, but at least Amazon offers free delivery.
Enspittification is an appropriate word, and the fact that it's already being added to the dictionary after only two years of use means we need it.
It means they don't care about us. They only want to make as much money as they can and will step over their own mothers to do it.
Because all these ************s have done is create a load of **** for the rest of us.
Photo credit: Br8so (Wikimedia Commons, Creative Commons 4.0)
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.