When I was 14, I declared, "I'm going to be hip and cool, especially when I'm an adult."
Privately, of course. Saying it out loud would have been embarrassing.
This was going to be tough because I wasn't hip and cool when I was 14, nor did I realize that at the time.
"I'm going to be hip and cool, and I'm going to continue to listen to modern music and keep up with all the slang," I said. "I'm not going to be boring and out-of-touch like some rickety, ancient 30-something."
When you're 14, anyone more than twice your age is rickety and ancient.
It was the summer of 1981, before my freshman year of high school. I was at home because I'd had all four of my canine teeth removed during a same-day hospital visit.
The doctor said I needed to stay at home for a week so the stitches would have time to heal and I didn't run the risk of getting hit in the mouth.
The doctor apparently knew my reputation for speaking without thinking.
So I did what any hip and cool 14-year-old Hoosier would do for a week in Muncie: I learned to play Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song" on electric guitar.
That's not true. I actually worked on a 1,000-piece puzzle and listened to an Indianapolis top 40 radio station, keeping up with the latest corporate-approved music trends sweeping the Midwest.
I remember hearing Loverboy's "Working For the Weekend" for the third time on the sixth consecutive day and thinking, "This stuff's awesome! When I'm an adult, I'm going to stay in touch with the modern youth and keep up with modern music."
That pledge lasted for two years until I discovered Pink Floyd and The Doors, and I planted myself in the classic rock garden for the next 25 years.
My grasp of modern slang lasted a few more years until I left college, and I was forever more a very un-tubular and grody wannabe. I haven't bothered keeping up with modern slang since then because I find it to be complete and utter nonsense.
Case in point? My editor sent me a press release from Unscramblerer.com about the most searched-for slang words in Indiana versus the United States, and I realized I only knew three of them. And that's because they're old words that people have "discovered."
Number one in both Indiana and the U.S. is the word "demure," which means reserved, shy, or modest in appearance. It's an old Anglo-French from the 14th century that means calm or discreet. But TikTok influencer Jools Lebron used the word in relation to fashion and makeup, and now people can't stop using this 700-year-old word like it's brand new.
Coming in at number six is another old-is-new-again term: "sobriquet," which is a nickname or descriptive name given to a person or thing. This is another French term from the 17th century, which also means "jest or quip."
That's not really fair, though. Literature professors will use anything to express their superiority; you can't just put all the blame on that one word.
It's also where we get the term "hors d'oeuvres" — pronounced "horse doovries"— meaning "out of the ordinary." So, if you want to impress a literature professor, tell them what "hors d'oeuvres" means when they're carrying a platter of them at your next cocktail party.
"Skibidi" is one slang term I still don't understand. Or want to understand. It refers to a viral TikTok trend of animated videos of singing toilets and dancing heads.
We had a lot of stupid slang terms in the '80s and '90s, but the only toilet dancing I ever experienced was when I had too much beer. It was a nice slow dance in a warm embrace, and it often lasted for hours.
"Sigma" has gotten a lot of attention over the last few years. Not satisfied with just calling themselves "alphas," type-A misogyny bros wanted a new term to show that they're better than every other type-A misogyny bro out there. So, to tell people that they're the top of the top, they chose the 18th letter of the Greek alphabet.
Being a sigma means these guys — and they're always guys — think they're an independent, self-reliant person who doesn't need a pack or a community. No one else thinks that, but these guys have never let looking stupid stop them before.
And they tell their thousands and thousands of podcast fans that they don't need anybody, but be sure to like and subscribe to the podcast. Also, be sure to support our sponsor, Princess Lavender Sunshine-Infused Coconut Water.
My favorite modern slang word was "schmaltz," which means too much melodrama or sentimentality. And just like most of the other modern slang words that young people have discovered, it's an Old High German word meaning "animal fat."
Gag me with a spoon.
Photo credit: Locgiterour (PXHere.com, Creative Commons 0) Photo credit: Tuấn Kiệt Jr. (Pexels, Creative Commons 0)
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.