We're a nation of laws, and for the most part, people follow those laws. Sure, some people believe they're above the laws and that they don't have to follow them, even though they were elected to create and protect those laws.
But for the most part, we believe in the laws that govern this country because they're all that keep us from descending into anarchy, or worse, a fascist dictatorship.
And then there are the stupid laws.
You know, the laws that sound good on paper, but when you actually say them out loud, sound completely insane.
I saw an article on MSN.com (official motto: "Yes, we're still around!") about the strangest car laws that are still in effect in America.
Some of them seemed reasonable, like in Oregon, you can't leave your car door open for too long because it could be a hazard to vehicles, pedestrians, or cyclists. That makes sense. How many cyclists have been injured or cars wrecked because someone left their car door open?
That's because you should have a chaperone to ensure your sheep shapes up.
Apparently, Montana drivers were regularly distracted by their pet sheep, so lawmakers leaped into action and created the sheep chaperone law, ensuring you could drive safely with your woolly pal.
Also, they want to make sure that the sheep would get home before curfew.
San Francisco has a rule that when you're washing your car, you're not allowed to dry it with used underwear.
Just like you're not supposed to leave skid marks when the light turns green, you also can't leave skid marks when you clean.
I don't know if the law includes brassieres or girdles, but it doesn't apply to other items of used clothing. So feel free to grab your teenager's ripped jeans to buff and wax your car. It's probably the cleanest they've been in months.
There's no law against using clean underwear, of course, but how will they check? Does the SFPD have an underwear squad that does spot (spotty?) checks on people washing their cars? Will you get a ticket? Do they detain your dirty delicates? Impound your intimates? Seize your sleepwear?
Speaking of underwear, have you ever been in a rush and need to change clothes in your car? Maybe you spilled something on your shirt. Or your sweater is too warm. Or you're late for soccer practice, and you're changing into your soccer gear at stop lights. That last one is just a hypothetical example I came up with off the top of my head for no reason at all whatsoever.
You can do that anywhere you want, except in Evanston, Illinois, where you are not allowed to get undressed in your car.
It doesn't matter if it's an emergency, or you're trying to win a bet, or you want to flash the driver next to you. If you're undressing, you're going to get a ticket.
There are two exceptions in which it is perfectly acceptable to get nekkid in your vehicle: One is if you draw the curtains in your car. I don't know what kind of people have curtains in their car, but if you've got them, just close them up. Be sure to pull over first.
The other exception is if your car is on fire.
Let's say you're driving on Sheridan Road, one of the main arteries in Evanston, and your car catches fire.
"Wow, it's sure getting hot in here," you say to your friend, who is hopefully not a sheep.
"It sure is," says your friend. "It's getting ba-a-a-a-ad."
"We should probably strip off some of our clothes so we don't get too sweaty," you say
"All I'm wearing is this wool sweater," says your friend. So he holds the steering wheel while you remove your Northwestern University sweatshirt.
At that precise moment, a police officer pulls alongside and looks over. He spots you removing your clothes and is about to pull you over when he sees the flames licking out of your engine compartment.
He gives you a quick salute and drives away in search of other stripping scofflaws.
"Holy spit!" yells your friend as he rolls down the window. "That was close! I thought we were f---ing busted for sure!"
Shouting obscenities out your car window is perfectly legal in Evanston, Illinois, whether your car is on fire or not. But you can't in the city of Rockville, Maryland, a suburb 15 miles northwest of Washington, DC.
That is, you're not allowed to crank down your window and swear at other drivers, no matter how much they deserve it.
It's perfectly acceptable to mouth your swear words or make obscene gestures. You can even string together a long chain of loud profanities as long as your windows are rolled up. You just can't shout swear words out your car window.
You should try to avoid that anyway — sheep have sensitive ears.
Photo credit: Tracy Hunter (Flickr, Creative Commons 2.0)
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.