People can be terrible, especially on social media. The hot takes, the rampant misinformation, the insults, and the trolling.
You could post a message that says, "My neighbor died this weekend," and someone will reply, "She was murdered!"
"No, actually, she was 97—"
"I bet her husband killed her!"
"He died three years ago!"
"Because she killed him! Also, you're an idiot, and everyone hates you!"
I try to avoid Internet idiocy, and I've spent years nurturing my social media feeds to keep out the lunatics, racists, and homophobes. I've been fortunate for the last 17 years, but this week, I flew too close to the sun and got burned.
I posted a Totally Hypothetical Question on Threads as an experiment, and to give me something to write about this week. And boy, did the Internet deliver.
My question was 54 words and had two possible options:
"Hypothetical scenario. You and I go to lunch and agree to split the check evenly. It comes to $20, and I have a 50% off coupon, which brings the total to $10. Now, do I have to pay $5 (half of the remainder), or have I paid my share and you still owe $10?"
This is not a real scenario. I didn't do this to anyone, and I'm not wondering what I can get away with. I only wanted people to choose one answer: I pay $5, or you pay $10.
That's it. No commentary, speculations, arguments, or aspersions cast on my character.
Just. Answer. The Question.
About half the people did exactly that, and most of them picked the "I pay $5" option. This is the correct answer, by the way: Apply the coupon and split the remainder.
I lost count of people who asked, "Where can you even get lunch for two for $20?"
"Subway, 6" value meal."
"Not my Subway. It got murdered!"
I also got numerous reminders to tip my servers.
I never mentioned tipping in my Totally Hypothetical Question. It's a 54-word question, not a Tolkien-esque adventure cycle about fighting orcs to throw a restaurant bill into an active volcano. But tipping became an integral part of everyone's fantasy scenario.
But then the cesspool bubbled up and disgorged its contents.
Some said I must disclose the coupon before we ever go to lunch. Others said that for $20, they'll just pay the bill themselves. Or if I'm so poor, then I shouldn't be eating out.
Other people were more heartless, saying a situation like this would ruin our friendship, or that they would never be my friend in the first place. Several said I should save the coupon for when I'm eating alone.
Which will apparently happen a lot in my future.
Remember, I asked a Totally Hypothetical Question, not whether I was right or wrong about a thing I did. But people let their imaginations run wild and replied with vitriol.
It's my own fault, really. You see, I buried the word "hypothetical" right there at the very front. That's what confused people, and that's on me.
The most savage comments came from people who post things like, "Be kind. You never know what someone is going through," or "A stranger is a friend you haven't met yet," or something about loving Jesus.
The comments from the be-kind-friendly-stranger-love-Jesus crowd included, "Don’t know, but it’s the last time I go to lunch with you, Ebenezer;" "It would be the last time I went to lunch with your cheap a$$;" "I hope you never invite me to lunch;" and "What a tight a$$ you are."
One guy said this must be a business lunch because I clearly don't have any friends. If I had to choose between eating with that guy and eating alone forever, let's just say my Kindle is charged and ready to go.
Another guy called me stupid. First, he posted a quote from Martin Luther King about love being stronger than hate, and then he headed to my account and called me stupid.
One person even said I should kill myself.
I know many women, people of color, and LGBT+ people who regularly receive the worst hate just for existing online. Take what I got in 24 hours, multiply it by 10, and that's a Tuesday morning. I'm amazed they don't throw their phones into Mount Doom and stay in bed. The fact that they stay online speaks to their strength.
What surprised me the least is that the be-kind-friendly-stranger-love-Jesus pendulum didn't swing the other way. Everyone assumed the worst about me, but nobody had any empathy.
Absolutely no one worried about their hypothetical friend who couldn't buy his own lunch. No one offered sympathy or a helping hand to the hypothetical friend who could only eat with a 50% off coupon.
Zero people said, "I would want to make sure you're doing well," or "I would happily buy lunch since it seems like you're struggling."
The point of a hypothetical thought exercise like this is to learn what people think and who they are inside. And then to write about it.
So when people show you who they are, believe them.
Because I learned that there are many be-kind-friendly-stranger-love-Jesus people I would never eat lunch with, no matter how much you paid me.
Hypothetically speaking, of course.
Photo credit: Designed by Wannapik (Creative Commons Non-Commercial License)
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.