This is one of my dad's favorite jokes:
A drunk guy is at a bar when a very proper and fancy couple comes up to order and stands next to him. The guy raises one leg and rips off a loud fart. The couple looks offended and the very proper and fancy gentleman exclaims, "I say, how dare you fart before my wife!"
The drunk guy says, "I'm sorry, I didn't know it was her turn."
That joke popped into my head when I read about the new study commissioned by QS Supplies, makers of fine sinks, showers, tubs, and toilets in the United Kingdom.
The other two-thirds squeeze their legs together and make a mad dash for the bathroom because their wives get mad when they "forget" to hold it.
It's certainly a far cry from "My love is like a red, red rose, that's newly sprung in June."
The study was called "The Great Poop Survey," which is the first and only time you'll see. . . THAT word in this column. This is a family newspaper, and as far as we're concerned, nobody actually does that except people who drink whiskey and wear their boots in the house.
QS wanted to understand people's bathroom habits and relationship preferences in the US and the UK as it relates to farting and. . . um, drinking whiskey? Let's just call it "drinking whiskey" so we don't have to use THAT word.
The survey asked questions about being able to find public bathrooms and how many layers of toilet paper people use on public toilet seats (two in the US, one in the UK). They also learned that 50% of both Americans and Britons are "whiskey shy" when using public toilets.
Another question involved how comfortable people might feel farting or drinking whiskey in front of their significant other. In the US, 32% are comfortable doing both; 29% are comfortable only farting; and 41% said, "No, absolutely not, don't be gross."
Technically, they only said "No," but we were all thinking it.
The best question was, "Is not washing your hands after you drink whiskey a non-negotiable when looking for a partner?"
In the UK, 85% of people said, Yes, it is absolutely a non-negotiable. In the US, only 82% of people said yes.
In other words, if you can't find love, try washing your hands. And brushing your teeth. And taking a shower. Seriously, if you don't wash your hands after you go to the bathroom, I think your entire hygiene regime may be the problem.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but I believe there's someone for everyone. Which means if 15% of Britons and 18% of Americans don't care if you wash your hands after drinking whiskey, there are people who are happy to oblige.
Because according to the QS survey, 2% of Americans and Britons do not wash their hands after drinking whiskey.
That means, with 335 million people in the United States, 6.7 million of them don't wash their hands after taking a shot.
Of whiskey. Shot of whiskey.
Think about that when you shake hands with someone or share a bowl of snacks. Or meet Pete Hegseth.
Hegseth stated in 2019 that he had not washed his hands in ten years, saying that since he can't see germs, they aren't real.
I totally get that. I've never seen China, so I don't believe it's really there.
Hegseth later said he was only joking, but he's said and done a lot of things he later denied, so remind me to never share a bucket of popcorn with him.
Speaking of snacks, some people take food or drink into the bathroom with them: 8% of Britons and 13% of Americans.
Now, I've taken a beer into the shower on more than one occasion, especially after working out or cleaning the garage on a summer day. It's a great way to relax while getting clean. Trust me, if you've never had a shower beer on a hot day, you haven't truly lived.
But I wouldn't actually take food into the bathroom while I was drinking whiskey. For one thing, it's gross. You don't want whiskey germs floating around while eating a ham sandwich.
For another, 56% of us need our hands free so we can scroll through social media; 31% play mobile games; and 23% text or chat with friends. Meanwhile, 32% of whiskey drinkers daydream, and 28% focus solely on the task at hand.
Of course, this means that as many as 56% of you are reading this column while you're on the toilet.
Just kidding. I know nobody reads this column.
But if you are, I don't want to hear about it. Just remember to wash your hands before you pick up your phone again.
And take your boots off in the house.
Photo credit: QS Supplies UK (Used with permission)
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.