"What are you doing after lunch today, Kid?" my friend Karl asked me. We were at our bi-monthly — or is that semi-monthly? — late-afternoon lunch at Klompen, our favorite Dutch-themed bar. We were just finishing our lunch: cheddar bacon cheeseburger with an egg for Karl; cheeseburger with Gouda, peanut butter, and jalapeños for me.
I don’t know. Probably some writing, I said. Why, what are you doing?
"I’m heading over to the Y to go for a swim," Karl said. "I took up swimming a few months ago and go three times a week."
Did you just ask me about my plans so you could tell me you took up swimming?
"What? No, shut up. That’s—why would I do that?" Karl protested.
Fine, whatever. I spoke in a wooden and poorly-acted tone. Oh, my, Karl. You are looking so fit and trim. Have you taken up a fitness regimen?
Karl showed me his middle finger; it did look a little more muscle-y than all the other times he’s flipped me off.
"Fine," he said, "I used to swim in high school and college, but I gave it up after graduation. A few months ago, my doctor said I needed to get more active, and this is easier on my joints than running. Anyway, today’s a swim day, but I need to wait for an hour before I actually swim."
What? Why do you have to wait? I asked.
"Because I don’t want to get cramps," he said. "You can get cramps if you go swimming less than an hour after you eat, which could cause you to drown. Everyone knows that."
Well… I said.
"Actually, the number’s closer to 30 minutes," said Karl, "but better to be safe than sorry."
Uh-huh, uh-huh, I said nodding. Where did you learn this?
"My mother. She always made us wait when we were kids. We’d go to the beach for the day, and she would pack a lunch — she made the best chicken salad sandwiches — but we had to wait for an hour before we could go back in the water."
What, you couldn’t even just stand in the ocean, like up to your knees or something? I asked.
"No, not at all," said Karl. "Cramps, remember?"
And why did you have to do that? I asked, reeling Karl in. I felt like Muhammad Ali winding George Foreman up for a rope-a-dope.
 |
| Keep it up, you guys! Just 20 more minutes! |
Wait, so the blood that should be digesting your food is getting diverted to your limbs, except it’s not getting diverted to your limbs because it’s digesting your food?
"Uh, something like that," Karl said, realizing what that sounded like.
I said, You know that’s just a myth, right? It’s been debunked. You don’t actually have to wait before you go swimming.
"No! Mom said so!" Karl half-shouted.
Did she also say reading in the dim light or sitting too close to the TV would ruin your eyes?
"Ye-e-e-s?" said Karl. He could feel the trap being set, but he was powerless to stop it.
And going outside with wet hair would make you catch a cold? I continued.
"Of course, that’s just science," said Karl. I almost felt bad for the guy.
It’s nonsense, is what it is, I said. Medical researchers have debunked every one of these myths. You can’t catch a cold by going outside with wet hair because we only get sick by coming into contact with a virus, like being sneezed on or coughed on.
"But—" said Karl.
Other medical researchers have found that sitting too close to the TV doesn’t have any lasting effect on your eyesight, and neither does reading in dim light. It may cause eye strain, but it’s not permanent.
"But—" Karl said again.
And you absolutely, positively cannot get cramps if you go in the water right after you eat! This has been debunked so many times, it’s not funny anymore. In fact, there have been no instances of anyone ever dying from post-eating cramps in the water.
"But—" Karl said once more. He sounded like a misfiring lawn mower: but-but-but-but.
In fact, I continued, more people have died from slipping on a banana peel than from swimming after eating.
"Oh, yeah? How many people died from slipping on a banana peel?" asked Karl.
"Oh," said Karl. "So I’d be safe if I went swimming right now?"
Absolutely.
"Great, lunch is on you!" and he bolted up from the table and ran out the door.
Jerk. I hope he gets a cramp running out to his car.
Photo credit: Rafael Brais/brasil2016.gov.br (Wikimedia Commons, Creative Commons 3.0)
My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available from 4 Horsemen Publications. You can get the ebook and print versions here.