New Jersey Man Worried His Ghost Girlfriend is Cheating on Him

It's one of those nuggets of wisdom every parent should pass on to their children.

Relationships with ghosts are always a bad idea.

I mean, you can have a casual acquaintanceship with them, maybe go out for coffee once in a while, or even be Friends With Bene-frights. But don't ever date or marry a ghost.

Regular readers of this column will no doubt remember Gary De Noia, the guy from Jersey City, New Jersey I wrote about a few months ago. Back then, De Noia made international news when it was reported that he was going to enjoy a three-way tryst on Valentine's Day with his ghost girlfriend, Lisa, and another female ghost she had met.

De Noia and Lisa met on Halloween night two years ago when he was dining alone in a restaurant that her still-alive family owned. They began dating, spent a lot of time together, and eventually she moved in with him. Then, Lisa suggested that they spice up their lovemaking by introducing another invisible woman, which I'm guessing went off without a hitch since nothing was mentioned in the news after that.

While I'm no relationship expert, I have to admit, I had my doubts about Gary's little hookup. Open relationships are generally a bad idea, because they can lead to jealousy and unspoken expectations that lead to bitter arguments. And it appears this may be the case here too.

According to an exclusive interview in the UK's Daily Star Online, De Noia fears his two-year relationship with Lisa may be on the rocks, and he blames the coronavirus. He's worried that Lisa has been breaking New Jersey's lockdown order and hooking up with other men.

For the first month of the quarantine, Lisa and Gary were inseparable and spent a lot of that time doing just what you would expect an alive man and a ghostly woman to do.

"She'd help me cook and fold laundry. Watch loads of TV. And obviously have sex. All the time. It was fun, but exhausting," bragged De Noia, who is 36 and currently unemployed, but usually works in the hotel industry.

"I'm not in great shape, so it was hard to keep up. Being on strict lockdown, we had to find creative ways to be sexually adventurous."

Eww, Gary. There's such a thing as too much sharing.

But despite their amorous adventures, it wasn't enough to keep Lisa at home.

"This past month she's out all the time. Never tells me where she's going. Just says she's going 'out with friends,'" De Noia said, adding that for the last month, they haven't been having as much sex.

Lisa, on the other hand, tells Gary that he's being paranoid.

He said, "I mean, I'm not crazy, am I?"

Umm. . . no? No, I'm sure you're. . . uhh, you're not. . . crazy.

He continued, "It just doesn't make any sense. I can understand wanting space, but something just feels off."

Really? Something feels off about the ghost girlfriend you've had for the last two years? Something is weird about your relationship with an invisible woman that no one else can see? I don't know what to say about that.

De Noia said he's unable to talk to his family about this, because they're already "stressed out about other things."

However, De Noia does have someone he can talk to. He said he will sometimes FaceTime with his best friend, Chris — who I assume is alive and not a local vampire — who told De Noia that it's the isolation that's making him paranoid.

De Noia said, "He said it's obvious how much Lisa loves me. Everyone can see it."

That's kind of funny. No one can see Lisa, but they can all see how much she loves him.

I don't know, Gary. If I've learned anything from watching decades of bad movies, I can only conclude that Lisa and Chris are having an affair and he's gaslighting you.

He's trying to make you think the problem is only in your head, even while Chris and Lisa are boinking like bunnies and laughing at you behind your back.

So here's what you need to do, Gary. You need to confront her. Sit Lisa down, hold her cold, dead hands, and gaze deeply into her invisible eyes, and make her promise to tell you the truth. Ask her outright if she's sleeping with anyone else, especially Chris.

If she's not, then be honest with her and tell her how this is making you feel when she leaves. If she respects your feelings, she'll be more. . . transparent about what she's been doing.

But if she is seeing other men, then in the immortal words of Wayne, star of Canada's smash comedy hit Letterkenny, "If she cheats, it's over."

And then try to hook up with the other female ghost from Valentine's Day.

Better yet, take some time for yourself. Cry it out, burn all the invisible pictures of Lisa, and get her out of your system. Then buck up and get back out there.

Because Halloween's coming, Jersey City's a big place, and there are plenty of dead fish in the sea.

Photo credit: The National Archives UK (Wikimedia Commons, Public Domain)

My new humor novel, Mackinac Island Nation, is finished and available on Amazon. You can get the Kindle version here or the paperback version here.