Posts

Showing posts from April, 2007

You Can't Do That in Public

You Can't Do That in Public
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007

I was sitting with Karl, my friendly-neighborhood curmudgeon, in our favorite Scottish pub, when I became aware of a certain change in the atmosphere.

Karl, that's disgusting! I said. You shouldn't do that in public.

He plunked his beer on the bar. "Kid, what makes you think I need lessons from a young pup like you?"

I'm 39.

"My point exactly. You're just a kid."

Barkeep, another lager for my new best friend, please.

"My point, Kid, is that I'm an old man. The last thing I need is lessons on farting in public from a kid."

Well, I'm good, but I wouldn't say I'm an expert.

"Not those kinds of lessons!I mean etiquette lessons." He drank his beer with his pinky raised to prove his point.

Yeah, but you just don't do that kind of thing, I protested.

"Maybe not, but it was an emergency. Besides, there's nobody in here."

True, but stil…

Dumping For Dollars

Dumping For Dollars
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007

They say that breaking up is hard to do. At least that's what the song says. So for $68, you can outsource the job.

German entrepreneur Bernd Dressler has started a service where he delivers a break-up message on behalf of someone who wants to dump his or her lover, partner, or spouse.

"Roses are red, Violets are blue, Welcome to Dumpsville, Population: You"

Dressler's so-called Separation Agency has helped to terminate 120 relationships in 11 months, earning him the nickname, "The Terminator."

"We have had dating agencies for 30 years," Dressler told the BBC. "If you want to have a new partnership, then you have to quit your previous one."

Dressler will deliver the bad news with typical German efficiency in person for 50 Euros, or by phone for 20.

"I say to them, 'Good day, my name is Bernd Dressler from the Separation Agency, and I have been asked by your partner t…

It's Not Road Rage, It's Moral Superiority

It's Not Road Rage, It's Moral Superiority
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007

"Watch where you're going, you jerk!"

"Did you see that guy? He cut me off!"

"I did not blast the horn at him."

"I only lightly honked at him."

"Because he cut me off."

"I had to hold it down to make sure he heard me."

"Uh, it was a gentle reminder to watch out for other cars on the road?"

"He does not have a gun."

"I don't know what I would have done."

"Well, we don't have to worry about that, do we?"

"I am not speeding up to catch him."

"No, I'm just making sure no one else tries to pass us unsafely."

"See, he's speeding away. He knows he was a jerk."

"JERK!"

"I do not have road rage."

"No, I don't."

"I have road annoyance."

"That's when I get annoyed at people because they're stupid when they driv…

You've Got a Thing Hanging. . .

You've Got a Thing Hanging. . .
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007

Erik is feeling a little under the weather this week, so we are reprinting a column from 2005. He should be back, raring to go, next week with an all new column.

Quick, check the mirror. You've got something in your teeth.

How many people would tell you that? Not many. You could be eating lunch with a friend and you've got a huge chunk of your lunch stuck between your front teeth, and your friend just stares at you. You think you're wildly interesting, because she's making great eye contact and hangs on your every word. But in reality, you're going to spend the rest of the day with a huge piece of spinach stuck to your front tooth, making you look like Mike Tyson's prom date.

And your friend will never tell you.

Some people say that you can tell who your true friends are, because they'll tell you if you've got a booger hanging from your nose; they want to save you from comp…