Showing posts from June, 2016

Philosophy vs. Farts: When High-Brow Meets Low-Brow

I had a tough time choosing a topic for this week's column.

It started out easy. I was going to write about Elon Musk's recent statement that it's possible we're all living inside a video game simulation created by a more advanced civilization, and we're all just figments of that gaming system.

Then I read about a Swedish soccer player who was given a red card and thrown out of a game for farting on the field.

What to do, what to do?

On the one hand, Musk's idea is an interesting thought experiment. He said that, based on how video games have improved in 40 years, we'll have games that are indistinguishable from reality in 10,000 years. More importantly, how do we know we're not already in a game in a society 10,000 years more advanced than ours?

On the other hand, fart jokes.

Do you see my struggle?

On the one hand, if we actually live in a video game simulation, it's terrible. It's quite literally the Worst. Game. Ever.

There are no cheat code…

What Does Your Car Reveal About Your Personality?

Facebook has hundreds of personality tests and assessments, all of which are complete nonsense and are only designed to get more of your personal information. However, they're sometimes fun to take, and share with your friends. So I want to try writing my own assessment, and wanted to try it out on my readers first.

Toyota Prius: You're an associate professor at a small liberal arts college who thinks wool socks with sandals is a suitable fashion, especially with your baggy corduroy trousers. Your improbably thick hair constantly falls in front of your face, which means you flip it out of your eyes every 20 seconds. This makes your daily yoga practice a real burden, so you lighten your soul with an organic dairy-free, gluten-free soy chai latte. And a bear claw.

Jeep Wrangler: Life is an adventure and you could literally go away on one at any moment. You even keep a tent and go-bag in the back, in case you get an urge to go camping right in the middle of your morning commute. A …

The World's Only Best First Time

Life starts out as a series of firsts, which if you're the first child like me, your parents obsessively tracked in your baby book.

First time you sat up, first time you rolled over, first steps, first words, first grownup food, first haircut.

My brother was third-born. The only thing his baby book said was, "Andrew graduated from high school today."

There's a benefit to being the first child. You set the bar by which all subsequent children are measured. The risk is, they'll all surpass it. And you'll hear for the first of many times, "why can't you be more like your sister or brother."

Followed by your first coma when you say the first thing that pops into your head.

As we get older, we remember other firsts in our lives. First crush, first kiss. First girlfriend or boyfriend. First tearful breakup.

(Watch out for your final tearful breakup. There are usually lawyers involved.)

First time you drove. First cigarette. First time you tried alcoho…

Texans Prove to Be Boobs Over Haboob

Several Texans near Lubbock got their gauze in a garble last week over the National Weather Service's (NWS) use of an Arabic word on their Facebook page.

By the way, gauze and garble are both Arabic words

"A haboob is rapidly approaching the Lubbock airport and may affect the city as well," the meteorologists wrote as a friendly heads-up to the Lubbockians.

Well, according to the Washington Post, the Texans didn't want no fancy weather people using no foreign words to talk about their weather.

One reader, John, wrote: "Haboob!?! I'm a Texan. Not a foreigner from Iraq or Afghanistan. They might have haboobs but around here in the Panhandle of TEXAS, we have Dust Storms. So would you mind stating it that way. I'll find another weather service."

Actually, there isn't another weather service. There's not a competing American Weather Service that faces off against the NWS in the Weather Service World Series every October. If you do find another we…