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Showing posts from January, 2007

Half a Fish Tale

Half a Fish Tale
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007

"Shh! Be quiet or you'll scare the fish away."

"Because fish can hear sounds outside the water."

"Yes, Honey, like thumping the boat."

"Yes, like your sister did."

"I know she did it too. You both did. That's why I said to stop."

"But they can still hear, even underwater."

"Because they have ears."

"No, not ears like ours."

"Yes, Sweetie, that would look pretty silly."

"They look like little holes up near the top of their head, slightly behind their eyes."

"We didn't bring your brother because he's too young to go fishing. He's with Mommy. I thought it would be fun if it was just the three of us."

"Well, he can't swim, for one thing."

"I know you're all wearing life vests. But I don't want to have to watch three kids in a boat while we're trying to catch fish."

"Be…

PETA Hates Animals

PETA Hates Animals
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007

Despite their name, I think the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) doesn't like the very animals they're trying to protect.

That's why they kill many of the pet cats and dogs they receive.

In fact, two PETA employees are on trial for 31 counts of Cruelty to Animals and three counts of Obtaining Property By False Pretenses for allegedly killing animals and then illegally disposing of their bodies.

According to a story on WVEC-TV's website, Andrew Benjamin Cook and Adria Joy Hinkle were arrested in June 2005 after police found them throwing trash bags containing the bodies of 18 dead dogs and cats into a dumpster at an Ahoskie, North Carolina shopping center. Police then searched the PETA-owned van and found another 13 dead pets.

Staff from the Ahoskie Animal Hospital and the Bertie County Animal Shelter told police the two PETA employees had collected 31 animals, including kittens and puppie…

Ask Your Doctor How Awesome Chipotle Is

Ask Your Doctor How Awesome Chipotle Is
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007

Call the neighbors and wake the kids. It's time for Lake Superior State University's annual List of Words Banished from the Queen's English for Mis-Use, Over-Use and General Uselessness.

At the beginning of each year, LSSU (official motto: "Hey, we're over here!") releases its 32nd annual list of words it wants to ban from our every day usage. And I agree with this year's list for the most part. (For the entire list, go to www.lssu.edu/banished.)

I have covered the banned list for the past few years, and detailed the latest linguistic losses from LSSU's literary lance, although not so alliteratively. Each year's entries include words that have been overused, incorrectly used, or are just plain stupid, and should therefore be banned. And this year's list is no exception.

In fact, you might say the list is "awesome." At least, you would if LSSU hadn&#…

All this Spinning is Making Me Dizzy

All this Spinning is Making Me Dizzy
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007

After the new year started, I looked down at my stomach and realized I had broken last year's resolution. And the year before that. And the year before that.

"I'm going to exercise more this year," I vowed yet again, only this time I meant it.

I was an avid bicycle racer for more than eight years when I was a teenager, so I was sure I could easily whip myself back into shape if I could hop back on the old horse. So I drove down to my local gym to fulfill my new promise.

"I want a gym membership," I said to the guy at the front desk.

"Great," he said. "We've got a one year, five year, and a lifetime membership."

"Hold on there, Sparky. I'm not one to rush into a commitment. Do you have anything shorter?"

Sparky gave me a look usually reserved for people who use the sauna to warm up their cinnamon rolls.

"We have a one week trial. Give tha…