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Showing posts from October, 2016

The NFL: Everything’s Fine, Just Fine

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Minutes from the weekly NFL Disciplinary Committee Meeting, Roger Goodell, chairman.

GOODELL: Let’s get this thing started. I have to be uptown at the Youth Football Awards Luncheon. We’re giving them $500 and a Peyton Manning jersey to their concussion prevention awareness campaign. What’s on the docket this week?

JOHNSON: Oh, the usual: unnecessary end zone celebrations, uniform violation, the National Anthem thing, and domestic abuse.

GOODELL: Let’s start with the easy stuff.

JOHNSON: Odell Beckham made the list again. He was penalized for an end zone dance when he cradled the football like a baby and pretended to sing to it. Two of the other players stood next to him and pretended to shush the crowd.

GOODELL: Ha, Odell cracks me up. Fine him five thousand dollars.
JOHNSON: Except the next time he scored, he held the ball but pretended he was crying. Some of the sports pundits claimed he was making fun of the league’s anti-celebration stance.

GOODELL: Like who?

JOHNSON: Well, Skip …

Would You Eat Broccoli if it Tasted Like Chocolate?

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What's the difference between broccoli and boogers?

Kids don't like to eat broccoli.

I don't blame them. I hate broccoli.

There, I said it. I hate broccoli. I don't like it, I don't like the way it tastes, and I avoid eating it whenever possible. I'm like that episode of West Wing where President Bartlett didn't like green beans, and the green bean farmers of America clutched their pearls in despair.

(Just to be clear, I don't eat boogers either.)

It's not that I'm opposed to eating vegetables. Not even resistant. It's not like I refuse to eat vegetables. It's just that when I'm given the option of eating them versus not eating them, I don't always make a mature choice.

Sorry, ever. I don't ever make a mature choice.

I mean, when you have a choice between a salad and a cheeseburger, I think most people would like to choose the cheeseburger. And those who don't are lying.

That's not to say they will actually choose the …

Love Letter Marketing

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Erik is out of the office this week, so we are reprinting a column from 2005, mostly because we don't think anyone is reading these things anyway.

One day this past spring, I was lying in my hammock, drinking a beer, and relaxing. I was just starting to nod off, when I heard a quiet "ahem."

I opened my eyes and spotted my young neighbor, Jeremy, who had nearly finished the 6th grade, and was considering the leap to 7th grade in the fall.

"Hey, Mr. Deckers," he said. "Taking a nap, huh?"

"No flies on you, lad, although I wish you had a better sense of timing," I said. "What services may I bestow upon you, young Jeremy?"

"Huh?"

"What do you want?"

"I need some advice. Mrs. Deckers said you were pathetic with girls when you were my age."

"Oh she did, did she? Mrs. Deckers didn't even know me back then. How would she know about my past performance?"

"She said you were pretty hopeless unti…

Talking About Hurricanes and Power Outages

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"Okay, nobody panic. We prepared for this."

"Of course we paid the bill!"

"You did pay the bill, didn't you?"

"I never doubted you."

"Well, they asked, and that made me wonder."

"Buddy, go see if the neighbors' lights are out."

"There, see? Either the power is out on the street, or everyone on the block didn't pay their electric bill."

"No, of course not. What are the odds of that happening?"

"Well, no, I don't actually know. That's something your grandfather would know. He taught statistics."

"No, I'm not going to call him."

"Because the power is out!"

"Of course I charged it. There's just no point in wasting my cell battery just to call my dad."

"Because he won't actually know the odds of 10 families not paying their electric bill on time."

"If you want to know, you figure it out."

"No, don't look it up!&q…