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Showing posts from November, 2012

Wear a Belt - With Advice to Mary Schmich, Author of Wear Sunscreen

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Erik is out of the office this week, so we are reprinting a column from 1999, because we didn't think he'd notice.

With deepest apologies to Mary Schmich, columnist for the Chicago Tribune, and the original writer of the "Wear Sunscreen" column/song that was played to death on the radio.

To the Guys of North America:

Wear a belt.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, a belt would be it. Scientists have proved that exposure of your butt crack is enough to make innocent bystanders within a 20' radius laugh and point at you behind your back.

The rest of my advice has no basis in science, but is probably the result of hearing jokes on the radio, late-night latte and doughnut binges.

Enjoy the power and beauty of all the babes you see at the beach. Oh, I know, you're there with your wife, and she's the jealous type. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at that time on the beach and say to yourself, "I wish I had bought those mirrore…

Holiday Etiquette for New Married Couples

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The holidays are upon us like a zombie at a Mensa conference. And for some families, it's the first holiday together for the 20-something children and his or her new spouse.

Many people say the holidays are a relaxing time. But they are filthy, rotten liars. These people also give parenting advice even though they don't have children, and think "working hard or hardly working?" is funny.

Holidays are anything but relaxing, especially for the "outside member" of the newly married couple. Once you hit about year 10, your in-laws will begin to thaw a bit and welcome you into the family. But until then, you're in for a tension-filled-don't-say-the-wrong-thing holiday season.

As a veteran spouse now on his 19th Thanksgiving and Christmas, let me give you some etiquette and advice for young married couples, both husbands and wives.

1. If you're not married, don't kid yourself. At this point in your relationship, you're still expendable and rep…

A One-Sided Conversation About Life

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"I want the red car."

"Because my real car's red."

"Fine, Buddy, you can be the red car. I'll be the blue car."

"Seriously? What color is left?"

"I am not going to be the pink car."

"Give me the yellow one."

"Sweetie, spin the wheel. Highest score goes first."

"A 9 is going to be pretty hard to beat. All I need is a 10."

"Wait, did I say highest goes first? I meant lowest."

"Okay, fine. Highest goes."

"I'll go to college. College grads make more."

"But there are some careers you can only have if you have a college degree."

"Yes, just like real life."

"That's why they called it that, Buddy."

"Honey, are you going to college or straight to a career?"

"No, a gap year is not an option."

"You may not have a sports car."

"Not a game one either."

"There is no thimble in Life. That's Monopol…

Political Roundup 2012

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It's been a crazy two years, but the 2012 presidential campaign is now over, much to the relief of everyone in the country with the possible exception of political operatives and TV station owners in battleground states.

Everyone already knows what happened, despite Karl Rove's best attempts to derail Fox News calling the Ohio results, and the subsequent on-air dope slap by Megyn Kelly, there were a few things you may not have heard about on Tuesday night.

While we watched President Obama become the president again, he managed to do it at all without Florida. Despite their best efforts to be relevant this year, Florida instead came off like a beauty pageant mom reminding everyone how she had been a pageant queen herself.

First, it was the voting — the last votes were cast at 1:30 am, long after Mitt Romney had delivered his concession speech. People waiting in line already knew the result, and so had no reason to vote.

Not that it mattered. Miami-Dade vote counters went home s…

PETA Wants to Memorialize Dead California Fish

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Combine California and PETA and what do you get? One of the most woolly-headed, half-baked ideas to ever come out of a Birkenstock-sponsored drum circle.

Dina Kourda, resident of Irvine, California and a PETA volunteer, is asking the city to install a sign to memorialize hundreds of fish that were killed in a traffic crash last month, as they were headed to the Irvine Ranch Market.

She wants the sign to read "In memory of hundreds of fish who suffered and died at this spot."

Instead of the spot where they were all going to be sold for people to eat.

The crash in question involved a truck carrying 1,600 pounds of live salt water bass and several tanks of oxygen used to keep the fish alive, and two other vehicles. Hopefully vehicles carrying jars of tartar sauce and crates of lemons. Ooh, and with a small crate of parsley as a nice garnish!

Kourda wrote a letter, probably with an organic blueberry ink pen and paper made of dryer lint, to Irvine's street maintenance chief a…