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Showing posts from October, 2013

Long Island Middle School Bans Childhood

It seems Weber Middle School on Port Washington, Long Island hates children and wants them to get fat.

Earlier this month, the school banned footballs, soccer balls, and baseballs. They also banned games of tag and cartwheels unless an adult supervisor is present.

School administrators cited an overinflated, unreasonable fear of serious injuries, despite the fact that nearly every child in the history of the world has survived playing tag, doing cartwheels, and playing with footballs and soccer balls.

According to a story on CBS 2 News' website, they told students no more football, "hard soccer balls," baseballs, lacrosse balls, and that adults had to watch the kids play tag or do cartwheels, because as everyone knows, no child has ever been injured while an adult watches disinterestedly from several feet away.

However, to show that they still understand that children need to burn off energy, they allowed soft Nerf balls, because "the softer foam balls put students …

Press Releases and Perennial Rivalries

(Kansas City, MO)—The Rose and Crown Nursery, Kansas City's leading garden center, is pleased to announce the arrival of their brand new, never-before-seen heirloom tulip species, the Tulipa Mendacem, just in time for the fall planting season.

"We're very excited about Tulipa Mendacem," said Adelia Blanda, owner of the Rose and Crown. "This is a very special flower we helped develop over the last four years, and we're introducing it to the world this week."

Blanda says the new tulips promise to be brighter and more vibrant than any others available in the greater Kansas City area.
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(Kansas City, KS)—Thea's Tulips, Kansas City's number one garden center, today announced the arrival of their new species of tulips, Tulipa Dolus, making them the first ever nursery in the United States to create their own species.

Miriam Dumalis, owner of Thea's Tulips, said, "Regardless of what you've heard in local gardening news, we have developed th…

Are You Phubbing Me?

Have you ever been sitting with a friend or family member while they constantly check their phone, send texts, tweet, or post Facebook status updates? Of course you have.

You've been "phubbed." Your friend or family member is "phubbing" you.

At least that's what Macquarie Dictionary of Australia (official motto: "Yes, we have dictionaries in Australia.") and the McCann global marketing agency wants you to call it. Macquarie and McCann are working together to spread the word around the globe through a year-long guerrilla marketing campaign.

I phub, I will phub, I have phubbed.

(The more I look at the word, the more I keep pronouncing it puh-hub.)

The Macquarie Dictionary wants to make people aware of how important language usage is, and for us to understand what it takes to create a new word. So they created the word "phubbing" with the help of lexicographers, poets, and authors during a consortium, because if anyone can create a catchy n…

Florida Boy, Common Sense Suspended Over Finger Gun

There's a great scene in the beginning of the 1997 movie, "Bean." Mr. Bean, played by Rowan Atkinson, arrives in the Los Angeles airport from England. When Bean, who's got the maturity of an 8-year-old, sees some armed police officers, he pretends he's similarly armed by making a finger gun and sliding it in and out of his jacket.

The police, who believe he has a real gun, surround him and point their guns at him. They order Bean to slowly remove the gun and lay it on the ground. He carefully pulls out his finger gun, sets it on the floor, and steps back. Since he never really had a gun, they send him on his way.

We've gotten a lot dumber in the intervening 16 years.

Eight-year-old Florida student, Jordan Bennett, was suspended from school for "simulating a gun with his finger." They kicked him out for pointing a finger and sticking up his thumb.

Miley Cyrus simulates "personal intercourse" with a foam finger on MTV's Video Music Award…