Showing posts from September, 2008

West Virginia Man Charged With Farting on Cop

West Virginia Man Charged With Farting on CopErik Deckers
Laughing Stalk
Copyright 2008

As a typical Guy, I've complained loudly about the deadliness of another Guy's gas. Or joked about whether he would have to register an impact statement with the Environmental Protection Agency. Whether his butt should be registered as a lethal weapon. Whether the smeller is truly the feller. About whether – you get the picture.

What we never realized is that passing gas can be bad enough you can be charged with criminal battery. It's right up there with belting someone across the face or stabbing them.

That's what Jose Antonio Cruz of Clarksburg, West By God Virginia, found out this past week.

According to a story in the Charleston (West Virginia) Daily Mail, Cruz "loudly" passed gas at Charleston patrolman T.E. Parsons during his arrest, so Parsons charged Cruz with battery.

There are times in a humorist's life that God smiles down on us, where the heavenly lights break thr…

Unveil or Fail? The new Erik Deckers logo

I was so impressed by Intellagirl's logo that I decided to create my own. I didn't realize how impressed I was by it until I looked at it again and saw that I had borrowed the same concept. (To be fair, Intellagirl doesn't have a beard.)

So I'd like a little feedback. What do you think? Can it be improved, or is it good enough as it is? Or am I going to anger Intellagirl so much that she's going to pummel me the next time she sees me?

Mon Dieu! French Ban Internet Alcohol Advertising

Those crazy French.

According to a recent article in the London Times, France’s pre-Internet ban on alcohol advertising means they can’t link to anything alcoholic online.

That means that if I were in France, I couldn’t link to Borgognes-Faively or Vins du Beaujolais (Beaujolais Wines) or even Domaine Stéphane Aladame, let alone visit them. (Holland's Heineken Beer website was forced to block access from all French computers.)

Good God, I’m violating French alcohol laws! Won’t somebody stop me?!?!

(So is it a violation of those laws to ask one of those wineries to send me a couple bottles for pimping their website?)(Wine photo from London Telegraph.)

(Wine photo from London Telegraph.)

I am vindicated -- Grimace DID used to have four arms

Several years ago, I got into a slight argument with some family members about whether McDonald's Grimace used to have four arms or not. They were sure he didn't, and I was positive he did.

Not being the kind of person to let these things go easily, I now proudly -- and somewhat smugly -- offer video proof that Grimace did, in fact, have four arms. He was also evil and stole things.

(Evil Grimace steals cups, Ronald disguises himself as a mailman.)

(Evil Grimace steals shakes and Cokes. Ronald disguises himself as a movie director.)

I feel vindicated now, after all these years.

Politics Makes Loud Bedfellows

Politics Makes Loud BedfellowsErik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2008

A conversation with a friend this week got me to thinking about politics. Specifically, why do people turn into jerks when it comes to talking about politics? More specifically, why are people I don't agree with really big jerks?

We all rant and rave and scream until we're purple about the one thing we have absolutely no control over. We argue with friends, family, and strangers about our point of view, and consider committing cartoon levels of violence on those who fail to agree with us. Yet we don’t get that passionate about our work or our families.

“Hey, my kid is smarter than your kid.”

“Oh yeah?! Well, my kid can throw a baseball farther than your kid!”

“But what does your kid know about foreign affairs? My kid was an exchange student in France for a year.”

"So? My kid believes current government bailouts are only a stopgap measure for what is actually a bigger international economic crisis.&…

The Good Scissors: Bane of Childhood

The Good Scissors: Bane of Childhood
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk syndicate
Copyright 2008

Don't use the Good Scissors!

Anyone with a mother grew up hearing that. Every household had a pair of Good Scissors, and they were not to be touched. Not by children. Not by anyone under 18, in fact. Basically, not by anyone who wasn't your mother. The Good Scissors were so good that they – and anything related to them – were Capitalized.

The Good Scissors weren't just any crappy pair of scissors. They were Good and Righteous, forged at the foot of Mount Athos by a Holy Blacksmith, blessed by the Pope himself, and carried on a Velvet Pillow to our Sacred Junk Drawer of Flotsam, where they lay untouched for years.

At least until you needed to cut a picture from a magazine. So you opened the junk drawer, and it made that little squeak.

"You're not using the Good Scissors, are you?!" boomed a voice from the other room.

" I need to cut this picture of Superman out of this magazi…

Sign Maker Fail

I took this photo on a trip to the Oregon coast several years ago (and submitted it to This was either a case of Unclear on the Concept or the shoemaker's children having no shoes. Either way, it was hysterical.

Rainbow Conspiracy Lady

There are days when people just make me feel smarter. Today was one of those days. I found the Rainbow Conspiracy Lady's video on YouTube. As far as I can tell, this is a real video from a real person who believes that the government is behind all the ground-level rainbows in the past 20 years.

The video is of a rainbow created in the fine mist of a lawn sprinkler, and she's convinced that there's something unnatural in the water -- something sinister and evil placed there by the government -- that is causing this. I wish I was making this up. I hope she made it up and is having a good laugh at people like me who perpetuate the hoax.

Can You Copyright a Toilet Flush?

Can You Copyright a Toilet Flush?
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2008

Erik is out of the office this week, so we are reprinting a column from July 2002.

I thought I had heard it all. Or I guess it’s what I DIDN’T hear. Some news from the British music industry may have some copyright lawyers wringing their hands and cackling with glee. More than usual.

Apparently, silence can be copyrighted.

I’ll bet you’re gaping open-mouthed in stunned silence at this news. And by gaping silently, you’re probably violating that copyright right now.

At least, creating a silent track on your own CD can actually land you in some legal hot water, as Mike Batt, former member of the UK band The Wombles, found out. He’s facing a potential lawsuit for copying silence from avant-garde composer John Cage (“avant-garde,”from the French meaning “No one cares except a bunch of black turtleneck-and-beret-wearing-ramble-on-about-existentialism coffee house barflies.”)

While Cage is known for a wide vari…