Skip to main content

Posts

Showing posts from May, 2008

Dinnertime at the Zoo

Dinnertime at the Zoo
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2008

Panda Polly: There you are. Hurry and get ready, our dinner guests will be here any minute.

Panda Paul: Oh jeez, is that tonight? I forgot all about it. I had to work late tonight. The zoo had some VIP visitors, and Steve the zoo keeper needed me to stay after.

Polly: Why didn't you call?

Paul: I couldn't. We were out in the exhibit, and I couldn't get away. Didn't Steve tell you I was going to be late?

Polly: Obviously not, or else I would have known.

Paul: Who's coming?

Polly: The Bears, the Gazelles, and the Chimps.

Paul: Oh man, not the Chimps. Did you forget the last time, they ended up flinging their. . . poo around the house?

Polly: That's because you and Chester drank too much and argued about politics. I nearly flung some at you myself. So tonight, you lay off the beer and keep a civil tongue in your head.

Paul: What about him? I swear, if he starts spouting Rush Limbaugh, I'm going to--

I don't remember you. Do you remember me?

Hi there. You may not remember me. We met at the place that had the stuff, and we talked about the thing the guy did that one time.

At least I think I did. Because I don’t remember you. I’ve got your business card, so our conversation must have lasted long enough for you to hand it to me.

The thing is, I don’t remember you at all. I don’t know where I met you or what day or anything, because I go to all these networking events – Rainmakers, Smaller Indiana, Fishers Chamber of Commerce – throughout the month. And after a while, everyone starts to blend together, and pretty soon, I’ve just got a kaleidoscope of faces and names: IT professionals, insurance agents, graphic designers, entrepreneurs, writers, real estate agents, and software providers.

And, I’m sorry to say, you didn’t do enough to make an impression on me. So your card ended up in this pile.

I cleaned out my business card files last week and pulled out the cards of the people I lost touch with, couldn’t get together with, or j…

A Very Special Commencement Speech

A Very Special Commencement Speech
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2008

Recently, Montana governor Brian Schweitzer gave a speech to the Opheim High School graduating class, which consisted of one student, Jeff Greenwood. Greenwood will attend Dickinson State University in North Dakota next fall. While Governor Schweitzer spoke to a crowd of 100, I have my own ideas of what I might say to a graduating class of one.

Thank you, class of 2008. That is, Steve. This is a momentous occasion of your young lives, er, life. The world holds many possibilities for, well, you Steve. Whether it's college, trade school, or working on the family farm, you will--

What's that? Okay, whether it's college or. . . college, you will be presented with all sorts of choices, some good, some bad. And as I gaze out at this sea of young, uh, face here in this. . . Smokey's Restaurant and Bait Shop, I'm positive that your years at Traxel Elementary-Junior-Senior High School will pro…

'Cause It's 1-2-3 Cavities, You're Out

'Cause It's 1-2-3 Cavities, You're Out
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2008

Erik is out of the office this week. But it's baseball season, and the Yankees are once again the highest paid team in Major League Baseball. To commemorate the fact, we're reprinting a column from late 2002.

When companies face high taxes and financial strain, good executives will try anything they can think of to fight their way out of a bad situation. They'll make salary cuts, slash travel and advertising budgets, and even cut employee benefits.

Cue the wacky sports blooper music!

That's the situation New York Yankee owner George Steinbrenner finds himself in. His Yankees have the highest payroll in Major League Baseball. In 2002, the Yankees' payroll was $125,928,583. The Boston Red Sox were second with $108,366,060, and the Tampa Bay Devil Rays were dead last with $34,380,000 -- nearly 64% less than the Yankees spent.

Or to put it another way, the top three Yanke…

Indiana Primary Make Us Feel Special

Indiana Primary Make Us Feel Special
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2008

I did my civic duty with great pride on Tuesday when I voted in Indiana's primary election. I even wore the little sticker they gave to all the voters.

"I vote, I count," said my little symbol of adhesive activism. However, it was poorly designed, using one big "I," next to the words "vote" and "count."

It looked like "I vote count," so I had to explain to everyone what it meant.

"I vote, I no design good."

Mind you, this wasn't any ordinary Indiana primary. This one was special. It was a presidential primary. And this time, it counted.

Indiana, which is barely a blip on America's electoral radar, finally made the national news for something other than corn, auto racing, or the 2006 Super Bowl Champions (nyah nyah Chicago!)

Thanks to the nation's undecided and wishy-washy, the Democratic presidential primary has extended well i…

I won Humor Carnival. Now I need your vote again

I think I have an understanding of how Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton feel. They each won a primary yesterday, but are back on the trail for the next one.

I won last month's Humor Carnival, with 28 votes (44% of the total). But I'm back in the running for this month's contest with my column I Still Don't Have a Topic.

So, when you have a chance, please stop by and vote for me again. There's another 10 bucks on the line, plus bragging rights. Right now, I'm behind Leeuna Foster, who is actually pretty funny. So if I lose to her, I won't feel so bad.

But not bad enough to schill for your votes right now. So please take 30 seconds to visit this month's contest and vote for me.

Deckers Family, Inc. Annual Report

Deckers Family, Inc. Annual Report
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2008

To: All members of Deckers Family, Inc.
From: President Daddy
RE: Yearly Evaluation Report

Dear Employees of DFI:

I must apologize to all members of our organization. By my calculation, I am seven months overdue in filing my Yearly Evaluation Report. Or I'm five months early. Regardless, I am pleased to report that I have filed a report every single year since 2004.

Except for 2005, 2006, and 2007.

Mistakes were made, delays were experienced, passive voice writing style was used. Owing to a series of events and incidents, including moving our corporate headquarters twice in two years, it has been difficult to maintain the annual report schedule. Thank you for your patience. Now, down to this year's findings.

I am mostly pleased with the maintenance and cleanliness of our new headquarters. However, I have serious concerns about the state of the offices of the junior staff. Many times, I have seen them …