Showing posts from July, 2010

Saggy Pants and Crushed Cars: Justice for Some

Saggy Pants and Crushed Cars: Justice for SomeErik Deckers
Laughing Stalk syndicate
Copyright 2010

As much as I hate to admit it, a teenager's right to wear his pants below his butt are protected by the First Amendment.

Bronx fashion accident, Julio Martinez, was recently given a ticket by a cop for disorderly conduct, for having "his pants down below his buttocks exposing underwear [and] potentially showing private parts."

But, according to a New York Post story, Bronx judge Ruben Franco threw out the ticket, saying that "the Constitution still leaves some opportunity for people to be foolish if they so desire. Stupid Constitution." (I made that last part up. He didn't say that.)

"While most of us may consider it distasteful, and indeed foolish, to wear one's pants so low as to expose the underwear . . . people can dress as they please, wear anything, so long as they do not offend public order and decency," Judge Franco wrote in his findings.

I alwa…

Electronic Erotica On the Rise, Thanks to iPad

Now the British can buy pornographic fiction without the embarrassment of brown paper wrappers or risqué paperback cover art, thanks to the iPad.

In fact, the proof was in the pudding. At the beginning of the week, erotic fiction was at the top of Apple's British iBooks sales figures. This is, until Apple "allegedly" removed the titles on Tuesday. According to a story on WTTG5's website (Washington DC's Fox affiliate), some people speculate that Apple removed the pornographic titles from the sales list so they didn't look like a bunch of filthy smut peddlers. (I embellished that last part a little bit.)

Still, when "Blonde and Wet, the Complete Story" ranked number one on Monday morning, only to be replaced with British lawmaker Peter Mandelson's autobiography, you have to wonder

"Blonde and Wet" was (and probably still is) available from Apple for £.99 ($1.50), which also makes me wonder, will Apple do to the erotic fiction industry wha…

LaPorte, Indiana County Fair Makes Sheriff's Deputy Buy Ticket to Do His Duty

I pity my fellow Hoosiers sometimes, because some of them can be such idiots.

According to a story on the Channel 22 WSBT website (official motto: what do you mean, there are people outside South Bend?), a LaPorte County sheriff's deputy was told to pay the $5 entrance fee, even though he needed to enter the fair to make an arrest.

Fair and police officials are calling this a mix-up, I call it just plain idiocy.

Apparently the misunderstanding arises from the fact that the fair used private security this year, rather than hiring police officers. As a result, deputies who had worked the fair in the past now had to pay to get in, "unless called to make an arrest," said the website.

Sergeant Mike Kellems was called to the fairgrounds to arrest a man on an outstanding felony warrant. Kellems stopped at the gate and said he was there to arrest a fugitive, but was told by two separate officious dunderheads gate attendants that he pay the $5 ticket.

Kellems paid the ticket, and then…

Phone It In Sunday: Sassy Gay Friend: Eve

The Sassy Gay Friend has saved the lives of three Shakespearean heroines, Desdemona, Juliet, and Ophelia, and now he's saving all of humanity from Original Sin. Sort of.

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My 25th Year High School Reunion

My 25th Year High School ReunionErik Deckers
Laughing Stalk syndicate
Copyright 2010

I attended my 25th year high school reunion this weekend, although I was a little nervous about going. After all, I had my share of the typical teenage angst and conflict, caused by my classmates and friends, and I hadn't seen any of them, except one, since graduation. And I hadn't seen that guy for 22 years.

I graduated in 1985 from Muncie Central High School in Muncie, Indiana (official motto: More State Basketball Titles Than Any U.S. High School, So Suck On THAT, Iowa). I was even a legacy student of sorts, because my stepfather graduated from Muncie Central in 1965.

I had only been back once, when I was still in college. I have driven past it twice since then, but other than that, I haven't had anything to do with my alma mater since.

I learned about the reunion on Facebook, that great reuniter of high school friends, past girlfriends and boyfriends, and brand new friends.. I started findin…

Phone It In Sunday: Sassy Gay Friend: Othello

From those hysterical folks at Second City, it's another Sassy Gay Friend. From here, we have two more SGFs to go, so my Phone It In Sundays are all set until the end of July.

You can see Sassy Gay Friend: Hamlet and Sassy Gay Friend: Romeo & Juliet.

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Ghostwriters In The Sky

Ghostwriters In The SkyErik Deckers
Laughing Stalk syndicate
Copyright 2010

I'm a ghostwriter. Other people hire me to write stuff for them, but they get to put their name on it. I've ghostwritten blog posts, brochures, press releases, websites, and half a book.

It's an odd career choice, especially when you consider that if you did this in high school or college, it was cheating and you could be expelled for it.

I'd like to say that's why I turned down a guy in college who asked me to write his paper for $10. But in truth, I turned him down because it was a Thursday night, I was going to a party, and I wasn't changing my plans for 10 lousy bucks. (He wouldn't go any higher either, so I didn't feel bad when I left him with his stack of books and a pad of paper.)

Ghostwriting is usually considered a reputable, if mostly anonymous and thankless, job. Ghostwriters write speeches for politicians and CEOs, books for celebrities, and marketing copy and press releas…

Phone It In Sunday: Sassy Gay Friend: Romeo & Juliet

I can't thank my friend, Kimberly, enough for introducing me to Sassy Gay Friend. I think this one is my favorite of the three. I'll have the third one next week, but you can see the first Sassy Gay Friend: Hamlet by clicking that link (that one back there).

I can't decide if my favorite line is "You big slut, good for you!" or "Save it, Patty Hearst."

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ESPN Scoops ESPN on Lebron James Story

ESPN Scoops ESPN on Lebron James StoryErik Deckers
Laughing Stalk syndicate
Copyright 2010

LeBron James will play for the Miami Heat, although you probably knew that already.

But I knew it before you did.

The sporting world was all a-flutter for months with speculation about where James would end up — Chicago, New York, New Jersey, Miami, Chicago or even staying in Cleveland — and sports reporters would clasp their hands to their cheeks, get a far-off dreamy look in their eyes, and gush about where the Royal One would spend the next five or six years.

The speculation reached such a fever pitch that ESPN planned to air a 1-hour special called "The Decision," in which James would announce his team choice.

LeBron's people contracted with ESPN to run the special, and had a few restrictions for the sports network, including not telling ESPN what the decision would be beforehand, and not letting ESPN sell advertising. Rather, Lebron's people sold sponsorships, and the proceeds wo…

Guest Post by Theresia Whitfield: Changing the World Through Social Media

My good friend, Theresia Whitfield, is a fellow blogger and writer, and taught me a lot about writing about auto racing last year when I became an Indy 500 blogger.

She recently told me about her concerns and fears for the town of Bulembu in Swaziland, and how she became committed to helping the people of Bulembu.

"You asked how you can help me," she said in an email to a few of us. "Help me promote this, like posting something on your blog."

I told her that she would be more than welcome to do that, so this is what Theresia has to say about how she wants to — and we can — help Bulembu, Swaziland.

The floor is yours.

Changing the World Through Social MediaBy: Theresia Whitfield

The skeptics are everywhere. One fellow writer and good friend recently said he was holding off on joining the social media revolution because he wanted to see if it was just another passing fad. My guess is that it’s not just a fad. In fact, my prediction is that social media is going to change t…

Phone It In Sunday: Sassy Gay Friend: Hamlet

A friend introduced me to Sassy Gay Friend from the Second City comedy network this past week. I think several plays and movies would be greatly improved if they all had a Sassy Gay Friend.

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One Man's Vuvuzela is Another Man's Curse

"Kid, is that what I think it is?" asked Karl the Curmudgeon.

Depends on what you think it is, I said. We were sitting in the Tilting Windmill, a Dutch-themed bar, watching the football team of my ancestral homeland, The Netherlands, put a pounding on Slovakia in their quarterfinal match.

"You didn't really get a vuvuzela, did you?" asked Karl, staring daggers at the plastic Alpine Horn-looking device I held in my hands.

Oh, but I did," I said, grinning evilly. I blew as hard as I could. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!

"Why, Kid? Why?" Karl shouted to be heard above the new noisemaker that was the target of many complaints around the country.

It's the World Cup, bay-bee! I bellowed. And when we watch the World Cup, we blow the vuvuzela!

Karl made a grab for the offending instrument, but I was too fast for him. Dude, you do not grab another man's vuvuzela! I said.

"Why do you even have one of those?" Karl said, rubbing his eyes hard, like he h…