Showing posts from February, 2014

Diary of a Flu

Erik is out sick this week, so to commemorate his illness and rub it in a little, we're reprinting this particular column from 2005.

6:00 am - Stupid alarm clock. I really — oh jeez, I feel awful! Body aches and I think I'm going to faint. Where's the snooze button?

6:09 - Stupid alarm clock. Need to — oh no. Have the flu. Gaah, legs ache horribly. Can't even — Gaah! Room won't quit spinning.

6:10 - So freakin' cold in here. Must have fever

6:15 - Realize can't think in complete sentences. Personal pronouns and denominators dropped indiscriminately.

6:20 - Is this sign that fever is burning brain? Will I be silent witness to own mental deterioration as brain slowly parboils inside skull?

6:25 - No! That's stupid. I always hallucinate when I get the flu.

6:26 - There, see? I said "I." Not going stupid after all.

6:30 - Need to call the office and tell them not coming in.

6:45 - Did I actually call office, or just think that?

6:50 - There. Left …

Winter Swish-Whack, Take That, Week Two

It's week two of the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia — also known as Vladimir Putin's Happy-Fun-Time-Papers-Please-Come-With-Us Sports Extravaganza — and it's time for another round of the Swish-Whack, Take That awards.

I give these awards every Olympics, summer or winter, in honor of US fencer Mariel Zagunis who, in 2004, won the country's first fencing gold medal in 100 years, but was only given 90 seconds of coverage on NBC. The awards are given to athletes who win gold under amazing circumstances, despite the odds, the critics, and even the fates working against them.

I'm giving the first Swish-Whack, Take That to that dottering old German speedskater, Claudia Pechstein, who, at the rickety old age of 41 years, 362 days, skated in her sixth Winter Olympics and finished fifth in the 5,000 meters race with a time of six minutes, 58.39 seconds. It would have been her seventh Games, but she missed the 2010 Olympics after a hinky blood result (she never actual…

Swish-Whack, Take That Awards for 2014 Winter Olympics

You can't go anywhere without hearing about the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia, so why should this column be any different? Regular readers know that during every Olympic Games, Winter or Summer, I give out the Swish-Whack, Take That awards to athletes who defy the odds, give the performance of their lives, and in general thumb their noses at critics and complainers.

The award is named for US fencer Mariel Zagunis, who won the U.S.' first fencing gold in 100 years in 2004, but was only given a 90 second highlight on NBC's coverage. I've given the awards out every Olympic Games ever since.

But she still won't follow me on Twitter.

The first Swish-Whack, Take That goes to all the athletes, Olympic committees, and even uniform designers who are thumbing their noses at Vladimir Putin's anti-gay propaganda laws.

In the Opening Ceremonies alone, the Greek athletes, the very first to enter the Olympic Stadium, wore rainbow-fingered gloves, presumably so they c…

1 In 5 Women Disappointed With Proposal

A recent study says that one in five women are hard to please and will go through the rest of their lives being sorely disappointed because they didn't marry a rich husband who catered to their every whim.

Actually, I'm paraphrasing a bit.

The study by Vashi, an online British diamond store, says that one in five women were disappointed by their marriage proposal. The other four are perfectly happy and well-adjusted women with reasonable expectations of life and their spouses.

According to the London Daily Mail (official motto: Classier than the National Enquirer because we have a British accent), 21 percent of engaged, married, or divorced women were disappointed when their man popped the question, but didn't say anything, and now wish they had.

The top five disappointments were: 1) a too small ring, 2) no ring at all, 3) not proposing on bended knee, 4) a proposal that wasn't very "special," and 5) not asking her parents' permission for their daughter&#…