Showing posts from April, 2010

Twitter Through a Humorist's Eyes

Twitter Through a Humorist's EyesErik Deckers
Laughing Stalk syndicate
Copyright 2010

Are you on Twitter? Are you a power tweeter, with severe thumb cramps, because you're constantly tweeting to your friends? Or do you think it's the little yellow bird Sylvester the cat kept trying to eat?

I use Twitter every day as part of my day job, and I'm constantly trying to convince people to try it.

"It's so easy," I tell them. "It's like sending a text message, but it's visible to other people."

This doesn't help much, because the most common response is, "why would people care about what I have to say?"

They don't. You're not very interesting, and actually bring down the happiness level in a room whenever you walk in. Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm dresses all in black and listens to The Cure whenever you show up.

Okay, I don't really say that. I don't even think it, especially about you. You're awesome. I'm surprised …

Did You Know Men Don't Have a Cervix? British National Health Service Didn't

Did You Know Men Don't Have a Cervix? The English National Health Service Didn'tErik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2003

Every Wednesday, when I can remember it, I reprint old Laughing Stalk columns. I've got about 16 years' worth sitting out in the garage, so I might as well get some use out of them. This one is from April 2003, titled "You Want Me to What Your WHAT?!"

There's a great scene in "Monty Python's Life of Brian" where Stan (a man) announces to his fellow members of the People's Front of Judea that he wants to be a woman, ". . . because I want to have babies."

"But you can't have babies," declares Reg, the PFJ's leader.

"Don't you oppress me!" shouts Stan, who also wants to be called Loretta.

"I'm not oppressing you, Stan -- you haven't got a womb. Where's the fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?"

It's one of the funniest moments in the …

Dances with Walruses

I took my family to the Indianapolis Zoo on a rainy Sunday. I've decided I like going on rainy days, because we had the entire place to ourselves.

While we were there, we visited the walrus exhibit, and my wife, Toni, had a great time playing with one of the walruses there. She would run from one end of the tank to the other, and he would follow her. Then she would run back, and he'd go with her. They did that for at least 20 minutes, and he would get cranky when she stopped.

I took a few photos and a couple videos, which you can see here.

One thing I missed, which I wish I would have recorded, was the walrus getting excited or agitated when Toni started to leave. He would bob his head up and down in the water, splashing it, asking her to come back. She had a great time, and I'm sure we'll be back the next time it rains.

Walrus Video #1

Walrus Video #2

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Aussie Restaurant Bars Blind Man and His "Gay Dog"

A restaurant in Australia was ordered by the Equal Opportunity Tribunal to pay a blind man $1,500 AUD ($1,390 USD) because they barred his guide dog from entering the restaurant.

Because they thought the man had a "gay dog."

According to a story in the Adelaide (Australia) Sunday Mail, when Ian Jolly told restaurant staff he wanted to bring a guide dog into the restaurant, they thought he said a gay dog.

Thai Spice owners, Hong Hoa Thi To and Anh Hoang Le, told the EOT that one of their waiters thought that Jolly's girlfriend, Chris Lawrence, said "she wanted to bring a gay dog into the restaurant."

"The staff genuinely believed that Nudge was an ordinary pet dog which had been desexed to become a gay dog," said a statement from the Equal Opportunity Tribunal.

(By the way, that's a photo of my dog, Sophie, not Ian Jolly's dog.)

I know the Australian accent can be a little tricky, especially if the waiter is not a lifelong Aussie, but whoever heard o…

Phone It In Sunday: Good Cop, Baby Cop

Another brilliant video from, starring Adam McKay, Will Ferrell, and Will's daughter, Pearl.

Good Cop, Baby Cop from Will Ferrell

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Money Advice for the Easily Tricked

Money Advice for the Easily TrickedErik Deckers
Laughing Stalk syndicate
Copyright 2010

Erik is out of the office this week, so we are reprinting a column from 2003.

When we began our new year, I made several resolutions, including becoming a millionaire. I realize it was largely unachievable, but I feel better if I fail at something other than the "eat right, exercise more" resolution everyone else blows.

However, I may finally have a fast path to reaching my goal. I learned an amazing financial secret from a motivational speaker several years ago. I won't name any names, but let's just say this person is the president, owner, and founder of Peter Lowe Seminars.

This person, who we'll call "Pete" to protect his identity, shared an incredible secret to becoming a millionaire. And he spent half of his hour-long presentation telling us about it:

Take one US dollar and — are you ready for this? — double it 20 times!

This wasn't just an interesting bit of trivi…

Coaching Youth Soccer is Like Herding Yellow Jackets

Coaching Youth Soccer is Like Herding Yellow JacketsErik Deckers
Laughing Stalk syndicate
Copyright 2010

I just made what may be one of my craziest decisions since, well, three days ago when I ordered serrano chilés on a hamburger: I became the coach of my son's soccer team.

My son's kindergarten and first grade soccer team.

It's not that I don't like soccer. I love soccer. I played soccer for years, and still watch it on occasion. And I love my son dearly. I want to introduce him to the sport I loved for years. I just think I'm going to go crazy trying to teach a bunch of 6- and 7-year-olds about a sport you play with your feet, when we live in basketball country.

"No, Jacob, don't dribble with your hands, dribble with your feet."

"Because that's what they call it. Now put the ball down."

"Tyler, the ball is not an egg. Please don't sit on it."

"I'm not worried about the ladybug, Josh. She'll move if we ever make it th…

Diary of a Day Off

Diary of a Day OffErik Deckers
Laughing Stalk syndicate
Copyright 2010

I took my first vacation in a couple years. I've been working like crazy on my new business, and an 8 hour day feels like a day off. This was one of the first times I wasn't going to work at all, and my wife was determined that I wouldn't do any work. So I decided to keep track of what happened instead.

2:00 am - Just because I'm taking tomorrow off doesn't mean I need to keep working. Time for bed.

7:00 am - Wake up out of habit. Smile because I don't have to get up, roll over and go back to sleep.

7:10 - Can't go back to sleep. Keep thinking about the projects I have to do next week. Keep worrying about details that I should take care of this week. Finally drift off to sleep.

8:30 - Wake up again. Smile again because I've already spent 90 minutes doing nothing. I love having a day off. Try to go back to sleep again.

8:40 - Projects and worries keep poking and prodding my brain. Finally dri…

A First Timer's Guide to Star Wars

A First Timer's Guide to Star WarsErik Deckers
Laughing Stalk syndicate
Copyright 2010

"Shh, it's starting."

"Star Wars."

"It came out when I was nine years old."

"No, Sweetie, that was 33 years ago."

"Of course, we had movies back then! How else would you be watching it if we didn't have movies back then?"

"Doesn't it look like it's in color, Honey?"

"Jeez, you guys, I wasn't born in a cave. We had TV back then too."

"Well, I'm older than Mommy, so they had those same things when she was a little girl."

"This is episode 4. It's the first one of the series."

"Well, it goes episode 4, 5, and 6, and then 1, 2, and 3."

"I know that's out of order, Buddy."

"Because that's the way they made the movies."

"The first ones were called prequels."

"It's what happens before the main story. Just like a sequel is the second movie, the pre…